sexismissionary

stream of conciousness

Sat, 12 Jun 2004 03:52:26 GMT

my fucking hand is steadying. betraying me. why cant this fucking illusion last. i only need twelve more years of drugged out bliss. i just want to sustain it because if i dont ill wake up and fully realize how patetic everything i believe in is. this world we blieve in is a bunch of hypocrites that dance around pretending to love me. and i want to to love them, oh how i want to love them, but they push me away and i fall towards the ground but even that doesnt show mercy and i fall until you see me lying pittifully on the floor of concrete and sins and you ask yourself "why do i know this person?" and i reply "because you are me."

you ever reel like youve had so much and youre ready but then a cool wave of sweat and panting comes over you and you silently scream you dont want to die but its too late and your soul has disappeared along with your wasted promises and all you can think is fuck, its not over and once again all you are is your image and you just have to stop and sign ahd wonder why you arent good enough but you already know. all those inhabitions that you know matter less then the size of your ego because now its all you can do to not let the razor slip and make you perfectly incomplete. your wistful moans that plague only lyour mind are a perfect example of why im still here and then you wake up and you are 60 and as normal as a fucking refridgerator.

i wonder what id be like withought every thing thats been programmed into me. i need to throw myself down stairs and i realize i cant forget but what else is there to do. im not even a part of me anymore. i cant even explain why i hate nothing and why i love nothing. im not quite sure. i curse myself for it all then i realize im only human. but what does that mean. this is my secape and it slides down my throat as easily as your words.

i know its here but ive got to have more to make it real. oh its here. i can feel the glorious prescence of sorrow in my veins. my blood congradulates me in my silently political victory. my wrists are ready, i hope i am too because i know you want me to leave. once i do the sorrow will infect anything pure that might have existed. all i can do is think when you wonder why im so fake. look into the fucking mirror and it will all be clear.

Sun, 18 Apr 2004 09:34:42 GMT

You can only feel it standing
but you would prefer to sit
when she covers those poor arms
it makes you pity in vain
and with those crazy eyes
and toothless grim
you convince me i need to die
you are desparate
but who's more sincere
your espressions make me cringe
and the thought of yet another tomorrow
the sound echos through my body
and now i need to listen with my eyes
and stand on my own two feet
but with help of those that don't care
and this carpet is softer than its ever felt
these words more sincere than they've ever been
its too loud and you'll hear
i have to focus on not focusing
or else i won't be able to be numb
but it's all i want

because i know i'll never be perfect enough
for that kind of self distruction
its only as easy as you make it
and these tears roll silently down my cheek
not for you
but for everything i couldn't have said
and we can't just sit
all we can do is say no
its not fair

i want to disappear
into perfection
and everything i fear
my heart burns
and i can feel the sound
your veins swell
and i'm bound
you dont know who i am
i don tknow who you are
we all pretend
and we're not that far
you ask questions i answer with certainty
all i can do is stay

you are the parasite
living off my blood
you do realize you've died nine times
and i cared so much for you
that i killed you every time
i need your suffering
you need my anguish
we need pain
where is that fucking knife

i cut myself with your stare
i bleed your judgements
we run away from what is fair
and all we can do is keep guessing
but we're running towards the night
you scare me
and i linger in the light
she's modest
but its not going to help
you look surprised but you are fake
yeah, you're fake
all i do is take
i cant stop now
im just starting to begin
you fade into me
and you know that i'll win

Thu, 15 Apr 2004 06:56:30 GMT

i get shivers down my spine
i can feel your emotion
your glare's like poison
penetrating my soul
the hate you show is sickening
but painfully bareable
im not quite sure i can
continue not objecting
but maybe
maybe you just dont know what you're doing
pause
to catch your breath
i must continue
you must resume
running down hallway after hallway
chasing after an elusive dream
that is just out of my grasp
you and i
we are one in the same

she lies
thinking of nothingness
the colors dance in her head
she longs to fly away
but something binds her
the spoken love
she's never known
without realizing she escapes
into her dreams
seeing dusk fade to night
watching as each new star is reborn
she feels the passion of the sky embrace her
soaring through space and time
for once defying the rules
she smiles at the moon
feeling its pain
willing for a perminant escape
she doesn't wake from her dream of paradise
they were too late to save her
but through all her pain
she smiled

the cool sharp edge peirces my skin
the sensation of pleasure and excitement
rushes to the point
becomes your hands
touching my body
making my senses come alive
and tearing at my skin
letting this gorgeous blood
flow out of me
like it was meant to
just like your hands give me pleasure
and set me free
so does this knife
and when i feel the skin catch
and the blood flow
i can smile again

i love the fire
but im afraid to get burned
i love the sensation
but what have i learned
everythign im sure of is nothing
nothing at all
i guess im afraid
but how much more can i fall
is distruction the only way to be redeemed
am i there
or must i keep doing this
i swallow thinking theres no one to care
maybe i forget
and embrace the pain, say goodbye to you
and also to myself

that's it
the walls are closing in
but maybe they are opening
letting my curious eyes
see the truth
the lies are driving me insane
im closed off indefinately
i'll never see the light of day
maybe im destined for darkness
but im as much to blame as them
the trains leaving the station
all aboard
and im on that train

i have everythign to thank you for
and nothing to show
this was once my world
and now its lost
i creep towards the shadows
but i dont take the plunge
my face is dry from the salty tears
and my mind is blank
from all the thoughts in my head
i can't take the pressure
but i'm too fucked to do anything
i want an escape
but i need to confirm

i can feel it take me
gently caressing my soul
they're cutting me off
and i wonder if its bad
the smell overcomes my doubts
and my self control evaporates
but now the moment is here
and i've got to seize it before it goes

Sun, 04 Apr 2004 05:47:21 GMT

the instances where you feel sad
and its all perfect
you wonder why you were so lucky
why you got all the pain
im not sure why i carry on
but these thoughts keep me
i care only for this experience
i wish only to intensify
just searching for the next high
its like a fork in the road
and im just not sure

my body rejects it
by my head pleads for more
i want to love you
but im facing towards the door
i see
and the colors draw me in
i want to touch you
but im afraid its a sin
i draw you close
and pull away fast
i need to know you
to make sure you'll last

im numb
and you are sensative
i blink
but my eyes dont move
sleep is approaching
but its no where near
you wont miss me
but ill miss myself
so ill hold on till i can
do this again