Below are the 4 most recent journal entries recorded in sexismissionary's LiveJournal:

Friday, June 11th, 2004
8:39 pm	stream of conciousness my fucking hand is steadying. betraying me. why cant this fucking illusion last. i only need twelve more years of drugged out bliss. i just want to sustain it because if i dont ill wake up and fully realize how patetic everything i believe in is. this world we blieve in is a bunch of hypocrites that dance around pretending to love me. and i want to to love them, oh how i want to love them, but they push me away and i fall towards the ground but even that doesnt show mercy and i fall until you see me lying pittifully on the floor of concrete and sins and you ask yourself "why do i know this person?" and i reply "because you are me." you ever reel like youve had so much and youre ready but then a cool wave of sweat and panting comes over you and you silently scream you dont want to die but its too late and your soul has disappeared along with your wasted promises and all you can think is fuck, its not over and once again all you are is your image and you just have to stop and sign ahd wonder why you arent good enough but you already know. all those inhabitions that you know matter less then the size of your ego because now its all you can do to not let the razor slip and make you perfectly incomplete. your wistful moans that plague only lyour mind are a perfect example of why im still here and then you wake up and you are 60 and as normal as a fucking refridgerator. i wonder what id be like withought every thing thats been programmed into me. i need to throw myself down stairs and i realize i cant forget but what else is there to do. im not even a part of me anymore. i cant even explain why i hate nothing and why i love nothing. im not quite sure. i curse myself for it all then i realize im only human. but what does that mean. this is my secape and it slides down my throat as easily as your words. i know its here but ive got to have more to make it real. oh its here. i can feel the glorious prescence of sorrow in my veins. my blood congradulates me in my silently political victory. my wrists are ready, i hope i am too because i know you want me to leave. once i do the sorrow will infect anything pure that might have existed. all i can do is think when you wonder why im so fake. look into the fucking mirror and it will all be clear. Current Mood: curious Current Music: radiohead: ok computer (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 18th, 2004
2:20 am	You can only feel it standing but you would prefer to sit when she covers those poor arms it makes you pity in vain and with those crazy eyes and toothless grim you convince me i need to die you are desparate but who's more sincere your espressions make me cringe and the thought of yet another tomorrow the sound echos through my body and now i need to listen with my eyes and stand on my own two feet but with help of those that don't care and this carpet is softer than its ever felt these words more sincere than they've ever been its too loud and you'll hear i have to focus on not focusing or else i won't be able to be numb but it's all i want because i know i'll never be perfect enough for that kind of self distruction its only as easy as you make it and these tears roll silently down my cheek not for you but for everything i couldn't have said and we can't just sit all we can do is say no its not fair i want to disappear into perfection and everything i fear my heart burns and i can feel the sound your veins swell and i'm bound you dont know who i am i don tknow who you are we all pretend and we're not that far you ask questions i answer with certainty all i can do is stay you are the parasite living off my blood you do realize you've died nine times and i cared so much for you that i killed you every time i need your suffering you need my anguish we need pain where is that fucking knife i cut myself with your stare i bleed your judgements we run away from what is fair and all we can do is keep guessing but we're running towards the night you scare me and i linger in the light she's modest but its not going to help you look surprised but you are fake yeah, you're fake all i do is take i cant stop now im just starting to begin you fade into me and you know that i'll win (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 14th, 2004
11:10 pm	i get shivers down my spine i can feel your emotion your glare's like poison penetrating my soul the hate you show is sickening but painfully bareable im not quite sure i can continue not objecting but maybe maybe you just dont know what you're doing pause to catch your breath i must continue you must resume running down hallway after hallway chasing after an elusive dream that is just out of my grasp you and i we are one in the same she lies thinking of nothingness the colors dance in her head she longs to fly away but something binds her the spoken love she's never known without realizing she escapes into her dreams seeing dusk fade to night watching as each new star is reborn she feels the passion of the sky embrace her soaring through space and time for once defying the rules she smiles at the moon feeling its pain willing for a perminant escape she doesn't wake from her dream of paradise they were too late to save her but through all her pain she smiled the cool sharp edge peirces my skin the sensation of pleasure and excitement rushes to the point becomes your hands touching my body making my senses come alive and tearing at my skin letting this gorgeous blood flow out of me like it was meant to just like your hands give me pleasure and set me free so does this knife and when i feel the skin catch and the blood flow i can smile again i love the fire but im afraid to get burned i love the sensation but what have i learned everythign im sure of is nothing nothing at all i guess im afraid but how much more can i fall is distruction the only way to be redeemed am i there or must i keep doing this i swallow thinking theres no one to care maybe i forget and embrace the pain, say goodbye to you and also to myself that's it the walls are closing in but maybe they are opening letting my curious eyes see the truth the lies are driving me insane im closed off indefinately i'll never see the light of day maybe im destined for darkness but im as much to blame as them the trains leaving the station all aboard and im on that train i have everythign to thank you for and nothing to show this was once my world and now its lost i creep towards the shadows but i dont take the plunge my face is dry from the salty tears and my mind is blank from all the thoughts in my head i can't take the pressure but i'm too fucked to do anything i want an escape but i need to confirm i can feel it take me gently caressing my soul they're cutting me off and i wonder if its bad the smell overcomes my doubts and my self control evaporates but now the moment is here and i've got to seize it before it goes (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 3rd, 2004
9:33 pm	the instances where you feel sad and its all perfect you wonder why you were so lucky why you got all the pain im not sure why i carry on but these thoughts keep me i care only for this experience i wish only to intensify just searching for the next high its like a fork in the road and im just not sure my body rejects it by my head pleads for more i want to love you but im facing towards the door i see and the colors draw me in i want to touch you but im afraid its a sin i draw you close and pull away fast i need to know you to make sure you'll last im numb and you are sensative i blink but my eyes dont move sleep is approaching but its no where near you wont miss me but ill miss myself so ill hold on till i can do this again (Comment on this)